2022 recap – A re-start year for hope, fighting & blessings

It’s been a long since the last post, but what can I say… it’s been a busy year. I’m not even sure how to really put everything properly into words this time, but after 2 years of the pandemic, of so much uncertainty and feeling like in a limbo reality nonsense, this 2022 has been long, but worth it.

Last year my recap of 2021 was about months or seasons…sort of to say, so I think I will go for it, trying to recap as much as possible.

January- March 2022

These 3 months are normally the most difficult and feel like the long ones at the beginning of a year. It practically feels like you need an extra time holiday, to recover from what the past year and mostly December feels like for a lot of people that we prefer to enjoy time in a more quiet, but more meaningful way.

Beginning of 2022 we were still in pandemic time, it felt like we could get out of this, but I can tell everything felt uncertain. I never felt so much uncertainty in my life as at the beginning of this year. I was hopeful, but I felt a total disconnection from people about life in general. About what we’ve been facing for 2 years, despite feeling tired emotionally (more than physically_). I think I felt like that pretty much the great majority of this year until September, to be really honest. I remember having these kinds of conversations with 2 great friends of mine from uni, Johanna and Daria, about how empty it felt to even make the effort to talk to people and everything around… but let’s face it, by the end of September I also didn’t have any time off or holidays since February, which was my first trip after pandemic to the USA. The last trip I did was actually in December 2019 to NYC. Funny to say this now, but when I have not planned that, it was some kind of “feeling” of “do it now or never, because you never know what’s going to happen tomorrow…” sort of thing. It was me listening to my instincts because it was the only way I could stop overthinking doing the things I really wanted, only because of… others? I don’t know.

So back in January – February 2022, I was still working in PR, finishing the last legs of the campaign for West Side Story’s version of Steven Spielberg, which already was collecting nominations for BAFTA’s and OSCARS all around, and in the meantime, my little short-film ‘TO ERR’, was doing it’s first jump to the USA at the Boston Sci-Fi Film festival (one of the longest film festivals in the country, apparently). I got this news actually on the 25th Dec 2021, so it was already my Xmas gift from last year. But I couldn’t start better my year, sort to say. 11 years ago if someone EVER could tell me, I would ever get where I am today, I wouldn’t believe it at all. You’ve to understand one thing for people like me, we live in 2 different worlds. We’ve our own world, the dreams we believe strongly in, the dreams that we really wish can become truth, that we have hopes for until our very last breath… but we are also very aware of the sad reality (world) we live in most of the time. The people that surround us, the lack of faith, the judgment, the unfair competition sometimes, and basically the world we get to deal with nowadays too. It’s interesting when you hear “It will be always difficult for every generation…” possibly yes, but in an “advanced” society we could’ve found in the last 100 years a better balance in between the chaos. Sadly, we haven’t learnt some very old lessons, yet.

I was still feeling like one of the luckiest people at this time, comparing everything that was going on, but at the same time, there was a sense of loneliness and emptiness around me, that I couldn’t explain properly. I felt forced to battle against my own feelings, about how shitty I felt this world was becoming and how hard it was for me to be really happy about what was going on in my life. And the reason is, I couldn’t share my happiness and what it really meant to me, with anyone that could barely understand it. I did never care for the credits, and the sense of recognition society thinks success can bring you. I always cared about inspiring someone out there, sharing a message, values, something that’s not materialistic, but it’s bigger than anything we give value nowadays… a sense of understanding, communication. And that is what my work’s basics are mostly about. That’s what studying theatre and cinema gave me all these years. And it was my safe place to keep going. It’s always the most undervalued and the most difficult career to take as “you want to make a living from it”, because people always going to see it as “it’s a hobby, it’s not real”… the concept we have about what’s real and what’s not, sometimes seems a bit blurry.

So, FEBRUARY 2022… Boston, USA. First trip, post-pandemic times and 2 years of lockdown practically. Travelling for me was one of the things I used to do the most. I basically grew up doing this all my life… and yet, I have never been so anxious doing an 8 hours flight, and it was tough. I was again back to my “life”, but things felt extra difficult because for some reason I didn’t want to be alone that time. But I was doing it alone, and I suck it up. I was going to represent my first professional work, meeting the team and friends that worked and believed in me, so why not?

All said this is a THANK YOU to those who made me feel welcome there as if they knew me all their life. To Liz, Jaclene, Neimar, Anders and well Tony (you don’t count mate, because we are friends from uni, sorry). But to Liz, Jaclene, Neimar (OBRIGADA por todo o seu grande trabalho, pela bem-vinda e a linda familia tb), and Anders for welcoming me to their lives during that week in Boston. You guys were all amazing. I felt very lucky for being able to work with all of you on this first project.

Here are some images of my time and trip in Boston (it’s a slideshow, so go for it!!)

My last day in Boston was probably the saddest one, because not only I had to deal with some issues regarding the screening of my film at the festival, but also the news of the war in Ukraine breaking and feeling the threat not only close to all of us in Europe (let’s all be honest about it), but also because I had close friends I know in the middle of all this chaos breaking. And we are still in the middle of a pandemic, so I woke up that morning crying and feeling hopeless about practically everything. Life couldn’t feel more empty those first weeks of March… it felt like an empty-numb month. I was talking to friends, and trying to help the best I could when it comes to communication, in the meantime, I was becoming jobless again at the end of that month. So honestly, I was trying to figure out some sense in life in general…

April- May 2022

Regarding these 2 months, all I can recall was my personal experience facing the massive impostor syndrome I was carrying with me for more than a year (through the pandemic time working from home, and I guess all my doubts about me being good enough about what I was doing), was literally hitting me deeply. It came to a point I was doubting about every little thing I was doing, and how I forced myself to just not allow anyone to notice what was going on with me was serious… I can say, it was a dangerous act. It was because I had to do 3 months of cognitive therapy, so I can face the reality of what I was inflicting on myself and also allow others (unconsciously) with their own toxicity, to do more damage in my own mind and emotionally speaking. Fortunately, I acknowledge that and took measures to recognise it. And the deal in my life is, if I’m going to be 100% honest about what I do, I’ve first to be within myself if I want to bring some kind of “positive” example out there. Acting through actions, not words only.

So April and May, I spent most of my time, applying for jobs, and doing interviews after interviews (sometimes 3 on the same day) and by the middle end of May, I got an offer for the job I’ve been working until now. During that month, “TO ERR” also had its first screening online for PAUS TV, it was screening in NEVADA, and at the SCI-FI London film festival. And on the weekend I went to my first concert post-pandemic with my brother, I found out my team and I won 2 awards at the film festival in NEVADA, for a best short film of the year and the audience award as well (and this one, really sunk in me as something special).

The film, it has always been my first true love since I was a kid. It’s something that has brought joy, a safe space and happiness to my life. It’s a medium that is mainly praised because of the appearance of glamour for the great majority. I’ve seen it as a place where everyone could be understood and where hidden messages had bigger and true meanings. Where time can be changeable and not a threat, and the same as books if someone would see it… would be like that message inside a bottle that gets lost in the middle of an ocean, and all of a sudden someone will find it.

What people need to understand, is for a filmmaker, the same as for a writer, a painter or a sculpture artist, you need to find your own style and own way to tell your work. Communication it’s very particular, and one thing I’ve learnt from my time in acting is every human being is their “own world” inside themselves. I learnt to appreciate the film in its philosophical style when I was in high school, and I had a lot of thanks to give to my teachers back then. Education, same as health, is a very important base in our existence… and seeing how nowadays society is losing it, it’s scary. Simple as it is. It’s why everything nowadays seems to shift to the extremes, without balance and common sense.

I’m glad a 10-min story, had the power to touch so many people that saw it, and mostly so many women out there ( your feedback and words gave me the power to believe my future projects can continue the journey I always dream to do). Because, as someone that has learnt to study audiences too, to observe how people react and listen to what they can tell you, that it’s the most enormous gift anyone can give you regarding your work. So, I do what I do, not only because I want to make a living for what makes me happy, but because I want to leave my part in this world. My tiny legacy is “I lived, and I did the most of what was given to me” by God, I guess. Because another lesson I’ve been learning all these years is to not take for granted life. And we definitely shouldn’t. We forget that very often, and too quickly… I can tell.

June-September 2022

Summertime was what I could call “survival”. got covid-19 (aka the “plague”) during my birthday and basically spent all my 38th in bed and recovering. I was just into my 3rd week of starting the new job, and after Sundance London 2022, I was stuck for 10 days in my bedroom. The worse part was bringing it home to my parents, which was what I tried to avoid the most, but couldn’t.

Honestly? summer time this 2022 went too quick and all I wanted was to stay afloat and carry on until September. I was on period probation, and for as much we are leaving in a society that seems not to care for “their work”, I do care too much about what I do. Call it a sense of responsibility, a sense of ambition, a sense of care… I do (sometimes too much, it’s true). But from where I come from, and the discipline I started to apply for the past 11 years since I moved to the UK is “If I can do better, everyone can”. It’s something that goes within every artist, we always think we “can do better”. Overcoming every challenge, perhaps. It’s what makes some “survive” and others just give up ( I know it sounds rough, but it’s the truth and many of us know this).

So yes, this is what I’ve had to live for most of the time if you ever asked. Not trying to win any pity from it, the less anyone in this position wants, believe me, it’s pity. If you’ve any loved ones in your circle (friends, family, partners…) that are in this industry, all I can tell you is never to give them pity or a sense of “let me help you to shift from it…”. We don’t need that. We want understanding and emotional support only to keep carrying one. Those in this field, the ones that survive, we are able to find a window where doors are closed. We can make it happen, we just need understanding, respect, support and love.

Also, summertime was a way to connect with more true and good friends. Mostly those I’ve shared so much with during my uni time at Cambridge.

I also (FINALLY!!) got my graduation ceremony from my master’s in film distribution. That was very special to me, even if this time I was also alone. But, I can tell for some reason, I felt that I wasn’t.

I’ve seen friends I haven’t seen since 2019 (beginning of 2020), I ended up helping another great friend produce her little film project, and basically unite the “part of the old gang” on doing something fun. So that was summer for me, mostly.

October – December 2022

The last 3 months of this year literally flew. I didn’t have that many expectations tbh, but all I wanted was to take time off from my hard work and go on holidays. I wanted to go back to Portugal badly, because the last time I was there was for a weekend in November of 2019, for a conference about my industry in Lisbon, in which I was invited to participate. That was the last time I was there, and I’d never been apart for so long. My cousin had a girl during those 2 years, that I only saw on facetime once in a while, I had very few friends that I was still speaking with, that I missed and I promised to see them once I got back. So more than a “me time” alone (the usual I used to do, every time I was going to Portugal… our touring friends from other countries around), I just wanted to take my time to be with the people I choose to be with and family. Little did I know…

In November I went to where I grew up in southern Spain, after 11 years without going. The last time I was in Spain was in Madrid in the summer of 2016 and was very brief. And I couldn’t find the proper time (feeling guilty about it) to really pay a visit there. It was in my priorities now and again, and I’ve learnt something I didn’t know… that I was important enough to some of my longtime friends there. That they missed me, that despite me leaving for so long, they didn’t forget about me and that after 20 years, true friendship does exist. I will make sure to will be there for you both more often now girls 🙂

Little did I know, that something that was present in my conversations with 2 friends in the past months (and thoughts) so very often, would become a reality and a true blessing in my life.

This is probably the most vulnerable, but happiest I’ve been in a long time. It’s something I felt to be ready for, after many years alone, not wanting any serious relationship, nor being attached emotionally to anyone only for the “need” of it. I had already my share of disasters and suffering in that field, and my understanding of sharing feelings for someone else, I guess it’s about something that I can feel real enough for me. Honestly, I was quitting in that field… because I didn’t want anyone that could bring drama to my life, break even more my peace of mind, shit on my parade (aka, destroying the very little things that made me happy about myself and my life), and dictating how and what I should do with myself or my life; or feeling a need to “provide” me anything that I can provide to myself alone. And I know this can be understood in very different ways, but one thing I’m done regarding “relationships” (serious or not) is pretending something you are not and full-fill the unrealistic expectations of other people. Sounds very typical, but believe me, once you really grow and stumble a few stones in your life, for your own sake and emotional stability, you MUST cut the crap somewhere. I’ve cut mine in the last few years, just focusing on what I considered important, and YES, I didn’t pay enough attention to other things or people around me. Yes, a few guys and including friends, have dropped the ball on my side, or were enough honest to let me know (which I appreciated always), but I wasn’t ready.

I haven’t been ready to share an important part of myself, my soul and who I really am, with anyone until recently. I wanted that, but I was scared for one side, I was too comfortable being alone as well, and I didn’t want to lose energy and time on people that don’t deserve it. I’m sorry, but in that, I’ve to be honest. If something I was sure about, is I wanted a partner, a friend, and someone I can connect and share with without making a fool of myself and losing who I really am. I wanted only respect, and understanding, someone that cared as much as I do, someone that can really love. And I think, it’s not much to ask in life… I always thought that even if it felt like a lost cause sometimes. And funny enough, for about 6 years it was right in front of me (sort to say), without me realising.

Resuming the story… a lifelong friend (and the son of my mum’s best friend!!) we got together during my time in Lisbon. An afternoon walk, and night out dinner with endless talk hours became another day in the cinema (at this point this kinda became a date almost), and that became another night out for dinner (the proper date, sort to say). That night my overthinking (and one of my biggest fears) was slapping me in the face hard enough. and that 25th October, was the day the rest of my life until now changed completely, for the best.

The story itself (said by good friends of mine) couldn’t be more coming out of a romantic comedy film (here’s where I laugh, because in the end what you want is your life to be “normal”), but what can I say… life happens. And I was blind enough to not see what was there for a long time now. I’ve been trying to understand all of this (typical me LOL), but all I can say for 2 months now is I’m blessed and lucky enough to have him in my life. To share with him all the great moments we’ve been sharing in these last months, for the amount of happiness and greatness we’ve in our lives now. I’m thankful he’s part of my life, and he has been there waiting 6 years for me to “wake the hell up”. I guess, at the very end of all, it was meant to be like this. And yes, I can say you were there for me… but I’ve been wondering this world somehow, to be ready for you too. I’m just glad I finally found you. ❤

Being able to say “love of my life” to someone, has to come with a deep significance for me, and I’ve to be 100% sure of what I feel. And I truly can say that now. Thanks for the first 2 months of happiness and for loving me, Tiago.

And because I left the best part for last, as it should be in every life story, yet to become, this is entirely dedicated to you 🙂

Yours now and always,

N

Lo que el hombre no entiende es que nada le pertenece.

Plaza Basílica de San Francisco, La Paz (Bolivia) 2017

A veces hay que escuchar los momentos de inspiración para poder escribir, porque es lo único que te queda en un mundo (de hombres) que parece estar empecinado en quitarte la voz de una forma u otra.

Digo ‘quitarte la voz’, porque vivimos en un mundo muy hipócrita, en el que la ética y los valores que en algún momento los grandes pensadores de esa asignatura perdida (la filosofía), el mundo actual nos ha quitado. Pocos debemos ser los que nos aventuramos a gritar alto las cosas (sea escribiéndolas o manifestándolas de otras formas), y si lo haces, te llaman ‘intensa’. Supongo que la hipocresía es otro virus que ha terminado matando de manera silenciosa las verdades que nadie es capaz de pensar y debatir.

Me vais a preguntar por qué he puesto la imagen de estas grandes señoras, las cholitas, allá por Abril del año 2017, en una manifestación (ya no sé si religiosa, política o ambas) pacifica. Vestidas de blanco. Una de las cosas que más me llamó la atención de este país es la fuerte presencia del Matriarcado en su más plena acción. En las calles, en sus negocios, en su día a día, en cada rincón de aquel país. Aprendí tanto en aquel mes, que al día de hoy me sigue marcando.

¿Sabéis por qué me marca tanto? Porque en el mundo en el que vivimos las mujeres, que supuestamente somos la base de toda esa creación que el ‘hombre’ tanto admira, somos las más marcadas por las consecuencias de las cosas ‘mal hechas’. Y esto va más allá de los movimientos sociales, del feminismo, y todo lo que hoy en día debatimos en casi todas partes, pero en verdad, en la práctica real, ni la cuarta parte, somos capaz de solucionar para mejor (ni muchas mujeres, ni los hombres). Los que hoy en día critican cierto tipo de movimientos, y aquellos que lo utilizan para uso personal de sus propias ‘guerras’, no tienen ni pajolera idea de lo que significa ‘luchar’ por algo, sin llevarte a nadie por delante. Se puede luchar, sin llevarte a nadie por delante. Sin matar.

El hombre nunca va a aprender a respetar lo suficiente la otra mitad de su existencia. Y si así fuese, entonces creo que aprendió a luchar dignamente contra su propio ego.

El otro día leyendo y marcando unos apuntes sobre algo en lo que estoy trabajando (para un proyecto, que espero desenvolver a finales de año), me di cuenta de la cantidad de atropellos sociales, físicos y psicológicos a veces que se han creado hacía nosotras. No solo producidos por los hombres, pero también infundados por ciertas mujeres (una especie de pez que se muerde la cola). Porque, tristemente, hemos aprendido muchas a aceptarlo y adaptarlo a nuestro mundo como algo ‘normal’. Cuando no existe validación ninguna para ello.

Somos seres humanos, pero seguimos siendo tratadas con todo tipo de adjetivos, calificativos y comportamientos inaceptables. Incluso para aquellos que dicen ser los ‘aliados’, los ‘compañeros’, los ‘amigos’ de nuestro espacio, de nuestro mundo, de nuestros sentimientos, nuestros sueños, nuestras batallas… sabemos y hemos sentido como una sola acción o palabra fuera del respeto y el amor que esperamos que sea recibido de igual forma, nos ha tirado por el suelo (de forma metafórica y no tanto).

Vamos a ser siempre las primeras en recibir los daños colaterales de cada decisión de mierda que ‘otro’ hombre hará, desde su conveniencia. Las guerras, por ejemplo. Las historias personales de cada una de las mujeres que nos rodean (las abuelas, las madres, las compañeras, las amigas, las hijas…). Un día somos las musas, la inspiración, las necesarias… pero también somos el juguete más a mano (el sexual y el psicológico), el más valioso del ego de un hombre. Por eso, cuando una de nosotras no está dispuesta a luchar ese juego ‘tonto’ contra el ego, somos ‘la amenaza rara’.

Nos consume una mentira social de muchos conceptos. Nos consume la mentira social de lo que significa ‘amar’, del ‘respeto’ y de quien somos y a donde pertenecemos. El ego del ser humano es tan tóxico (porque es como un niño con heridas no curadas), que con el afán de poseer lo que no le pertenece, lo quiere todo o nada, a toda costa. Arrebatando todo a su paso y por la fuerza, lo que mejor le conviene.

No nacemos sabios, crecemos para ser más sabios. Es gracias a las vivencias personales, a las de aquellas personas que me han inspirado, que me permite marcar los estándares de ‘aquello que te mereces en la vida’. Y lo que en realidad nos merecemos es un claro respeto. Querer es dejar ser y viceversa.

Por eso es tan importante seguir educándonos en reflexionar nuestras acciones, para poder pasar mejores valores a las generaciones futuras. La auto-reflexión es lo mismo que ir a terapia, solo que te sale gratis (y no te hace ni más ni menos inteligente, pero más sano mentalmente).

Esto hubiese sido mejor haberlo escrito hace una semana, cuando todos/as celebraban el Día Internacional de la Mujer, pero talvez deberíamos celebrar los días de nuestra vida (unos más que otros), como el día en que pudiésemos amar, respetar y ser compasivos con lo que nos rodea. Para dejar de utilizarnos, de tratarnos como objetos. Porque nada, ni nadie, nos pertenece realmente.

N

Blindness, emptiness…or both?

I’m writing this note from a train because nowadays, I feel I’ve to write all those thoughts down, before their burn my soul down. It’s what I used to do when I was a bit younger (only fewer read it), and fuck it’s what I should keep doing because it is who I am after all. 

This society is trying too hard to strip you down from your own very identity doesn’t matter how ‘further and better’ we want to become. Actually, I don’t know anymore if we are becoming better than before at all… 

You know what’s good about getting old? That there are a lot of ‘tiny shitty things’ you don’t care about anymore. I think that’s the good side of ‘freedom of thoughts’. You value what’s more real and honest because every single thing you’ve been afraid of, you screw it already, or you’re over it. I think I’ve ticked a lot of them already (I screwed a couple of times, I cried it a few more, and I’m over from all the bullshit too). That’s why perhaps there are people that think “my honesty intimidates” some… for that, I can’t be really sorry. I’m actually sorry I haven’t learned that sooner in life, because I would’ve cared less for unnecessary things and people I lost my energy with. 

I’ve recently finished watching a Spanish production series (Merli on Netflix) that’s based on a bunch of university students doing philosophy. It was shot in Barcelona, and even the location it’s similar to my first Uni back in Spain when I used to be a linguistic/ English student (yes my darlings… I was one of those). 

The education system in universities in Spain and Portugal is one of the toughest in whole Europe because they throw you a lot of material through the first 3 years of 4 (now is 4 yrs, back in a few years ago some careers like mine were 5). You barely have time off to do “extra” things, and I had to work on weekends mostly to pay extra costs. 

Humanities students in Spain and Portugal we’ve been down looked in the last 15 yrs as “useless” because the best careers picked by parents that wanted their kids to be successful were “doctors, law, engineering or business”. So when the first crisis in 2008 hit, a lot of business and marketing students were like *crying pain*. 

The ones that study History, Geography, Philosophy, Linguistics… were the losers. Well, the ones doing translation got promised to be “useful” in the tourist market area… to be left on a side as well after the first economic crisis. 

But during those first years, I was a proud 20 yrs old (struggling after with my first depression crisis) doing linguistics, with a full paid scholarship (thanks to my higher grades in History, Art History, English, and Philosophy who added the extra on my A-Levels access back there). I also studied in a public school and Uni, and I’ve been proud of that. 

During my last two years in high school, I was lucky enough back then to have the teachers I got. Because they always pushed me to become better. To always think for me and ask questions, even if the world would look at me differently.

But the best part of the Uni years for me in Spain was the aftermath of classes and the in-between discussions I had with colleagues at the bar downstairs at Uni over a beer and a “bocata” about deep down thoughts, books we read, films we watched or crazy ideas (20 yrs old me was running a writing club, representing my own class of 130 students at the student council and on weekends I was going to rock concerts or watching movies for €3 at the cinema). One of my besties at Uni back then told me recently after coming back from Boston on a DM “we always knew you were going big”.  And honestly? I’d dreams, but no clue how to get there. All I wanted was to do those things that make me happy but also contribute to this world somehow. 

Those were different days, there were fewer social media, so there were fun days and if you were to be criticized by anyone, at least would be to the face, or you will find out by someone else at your back 😂.  Millennials, we were promised the world, and we got crisis after crisis. And we also got a lot of shit ‘expectations’ from our dear parents. I guess we never predicted, “there was more”. 

Now some of us are in-between “trying to grow a family”, “trying to be alive until tomorrow” or “really building a life, meanwhile trying to be alive”. How cool is that? 

I think some like me know by now the bare line between what is “real enough, and keep it real” means. We don’t expect, we just find the way around. I feel I’m in the middle of 2 generations now, that are a “bit on the extreme”, with my own generation becoming ‘losing the grip’ for some (there have been moments I also feel ashamed by my own generation too). I sometimes can’t identify with any of it, because I can’t just live “in a bubble world” but neither “throw myself towards the edge of depression”, because I’ve been there already. Life is fragile, indeed, but from the very first moment you come to this world until the moment you die. That’s life and that’s how we are, humans. A tiny little piece of “shitheads” being given a gift bigger than ourselves. I leave that one for everyone’s personal thoughts. 

Anyway, I guess through all these thoughts, and having WW III knocking directly on our doors, I’ve been trying to put into place my feelings towards all this and how reckless humanity is in reality.

The questions I used to have a lot regarding “how people can let this happen” back then, and you naively thinking sometimes “we are better now”… went all down the drill in the past 15 days.

I’ve little faith in humanity now, but still holding just hope on the capacity of survival of some, and how there are few people capable of really sacrificing all they have to save others. 

The very deplorable side of all this, is I’m afraid we are living in a world right now, that the same way is easy to forget those that died and helped tirelessly during the first 2 years of this pandemic, this is also going to be forgotten… unless this maniac that’s in power now and believes himself “the saviour of a country he’s literally destroying”, ends up blowing us all out.

In Spanish there’s a saying that goes like this: “No hay peor sordo, quien no quiere oír, ni peor ciego quien no quiere ver”.  Go take it and translate it, for those that don’t know what it means. I’ve got enough for now. 

All I can say now is, I miss a little those times I just had to sit down in class looking through a window on my class breaks, listen to music, wondering dreams and write it all down. I hoped the world could be a little shittier than what it’s now. Now I understand the world I had, was already enough back then. 

It’s never late to care. Just look around you and beyond your tiny little bubble world… before is too late.

Love,

N

Ama, porque el silencio de las palabras, mata.

Hay cosas muy sagradas en mi vida. Cosas que aprendí darle el valor, gracias al sufrimiento y el mal uso que otros le han dado a ciertas acciones y terminologías que son tan base en nuestra vida.

Por un largo tiempo me costaba escribir, porque pensé que no era lo mío. Y ahora me rio, porque escribir es lo que llevo haciendo desde adolescente (en los diferentes idiomas que fui aprendiendo).

Me gustaría escribir cosas más inspiradoras… pero no creo que hoy tenga el espíritu para ello. Me pesan muchas cosas en el alma para poder lo suficientemente sincera en lo que me gustaría decirle al mundo. Me di cuenta hace unos días que me he pasado la vida, existiendo, subsistiendo a las decepciones gracias a la esperanza. Incluso en los momentos en lo que perdí total fe en todo… (incluso en la existencia de que hay algo después de la muerte). Y no, no es por falta de creencias religiosas en mi vida, creedme (de eso he tenido de sobra).

Me gustaría mucho darle espacio a mi sentido lógico y a las palabras que nos hacen sentir mejor, que te abrazan cuando nadie puede hacerlo… pero hoy siento que ni las palabras son suficientes para un abrazo de consuelo. Porque a veces siento que hay gente en este mundo que no se merece ni lo que la vida les pone por delante, cuando a otros se la quitan injustamente. Es así de simple. Si vivimos en un mundo injusto, ¿para qué vas a regalarle a todos por igual las cosas buenas que solo unos pocos son capaces de apreciarlo? Si, lo sé, es mi frustración, mi decepción y los sentimientos rotos los que están hablando. Pero a esos también hay que darle voz. Deberíamos de dar voz a todo lo que importa, por muy pequeño o grande que sea. ¿De qué nos sirve aprender a hablar, a comunicarnos, si no sabemos como usarlo? Pero, sabemos lo fácil que es hacer daño. No me preguntéis como, pero es increíble que vivamos en un mundo en el que sea más fácil matar, que amar. Y no podrían ser lo más opuesto.

Amar. Un regalo demasiado caro para algunos, creo yo.

El alma la tengo un poco cansada últimamente, porque a pesar de que quiero creer que aún existe algo mejor, de que esta esperanza ’empecinada’ que aún vive dentro de mí y me dice ‘lo mejor está por venir’, lo único que veo y siento es más sufrimiento… y además totalmente injustificado. Si existe alguien en el mundo capaz de sentarse conmigo y sea tan valiente de hacerme ver lo contrario, por favor, adelante. A veces también nos hace falta que nos abracen con las palabras y los hechos.

Para los que piensen que la vida no vale nada… vale demasiado como para perderla en lo que no nos hace feliz. Y ser (o hacer) feliz en el mundo que nos toca vivir, debería ser lo más importante (siempre y cuando no sea a costa del sufrimiento de nadie).

A pesar de todo, existen muchas cosas por las que vivir y ser feliz (aunque ahora nos parezca muy poco o imposible).

Os dejo 2 canciones que escuché hoy y una imagen que me encantó. Lo vi en los stories de IG de una amiga en España. Ojalá hubiese más gente valiente, capaz de dejar mensajes así en las calles. ❤

El Mensaje dice ‘Si no te cuida el estado, te cuido yo, que Te amo’.

Gritemos un poquito más alto, un ‘Te amo’, porque no es suficiente.

Canciones: HASTA LA RAIZ – NATALIA LAFOURCADE | PORTOBELLO – FREDI LEIS Ft. DANI FERNÁNDEZ

Nunca perdáis la esperanza. Hasta pronto,

N

Wasn’t planning to write the first day of 2022…

35mm photo from lockdown time on winter 2020

But sometimes it happens. Do I ever follow rules? Not particularly.

I’m actually known in my family and a small circle as ‘the one that does and says whatever the f*** she wants’ *laughs*. Well, about that, it’s partially true (but not exactly). To my close friends from years (which are really around 5), I’m the one ‘who had the balls’ to take certain decisions in life because they think they won’t do it if they were in my position. I particularly think that’s not true because, at the end of the day, we all have the power of choice (or the so-called ‘freedom of choice’ that became so popular lately). I will just say that to get ‘right decisions’ in your life, you’ve to go against many things, sometimes even against your own fears. I have a lot, too. Some are gone, others are still there, but this is who we are at the end of the day.

The last 2 years, a lot of things didn’t go as planned for many and for me too (sometimes for good and for bad too). In the last few days of 2021, I came to realize a lot of things, and the most important one is how the things I feel are right or wrong to me, helped to lead me on my path in the last few years. It’s something I’ve cared about, and I’ve to keep doing it. There’s a certain responsibility into the fact of ‘take care’, and through the years I came to a conclusion that I’ve to be in peace with my own self, to achieve the things I wish. Being in peace is mostly ‘be strong enough’ to shut down that part of yourself that doesn’t make any favour to you, but to those circles around you in life that don’t contribute to absolutely anything. It sounds rough to express, but we all know deep down that’s true. Honesty and truth, used in a healthy way, are something that helps a lot. It’s something that during the years of therapy I’ve learnt about myself and the world around me. The reassurance that I’m not the one that is wrong all the time (funny story? For years, I’ve always thought that I’m the one that didn’t deserve any good, and everything I get to do is ‘wrong’. Why? That’s another story).

So a lot in my life in 10 years, including now, is thanks to that I listen to my instincts and what I feel OK or wrong for me or what ‘depends on’ me. I’ve also learnt a lot from all that, and it’s good to gain knowledge from all the things you learnt, because that gives you more power over your decisions, and in your achievements. It’s a constant effort, and sometimes you’ve to step back too. I’ve been doing that a lot with my mental health because it is the only way to ‘recharge’.

Working some things in life from your inner silence and peace is what I do call ‘manifesting’. If there’s something I’ve been putting into place (sometimes unconsciously) in not following a general path, not thinking in the same way others do, not filling everyone’s expectations (and for that also I’ve been judged a lot more than anyone thinks), and that doesn’t mean you’re going to fail it. You don’t have to become perfect for anyone or about anything if in the end, you can achieve what you really want. But like I said in all previously, I have done a lot of decisions on paths and people, which allowed me to succeed in some achievements.

Just a few days ago, before the end of the year, I saw a pic of someone that was part of my life for a very long time in the past, and that is what it marked that ‘before and then’. I kinda said to myself, ‘thanks God, I chose better for me’. There are choices in my life, that unfortunately, I made from a fear point, from the expectations others had in me, from trying to find in others what I could only find in myself first. Somehow, since a very young age, I’ve always felt my determination was perhaps ‘too much to handle’ for many people. My dreams have been shut down many times by others’ actions and words (that doesn’t happen anymore). I think our culture society teaches ‘Love’ as a dependent condition towards others, and it’s not. You can love, and you can be a completely independent person mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

A lot of people like to live in the past, and think ‘what could’ve been’… guess what? Nothing could’ve. We are very strange beings, and also very complex, but we are changeable. We can change a lot of things around us and within us (for good and for bad), but you can’t change the past. The power we do have is decision and choice. We can decide whatever the hell we want to do with our lives and, unfortunately, with others’ lives too. So think about that, sometimes. Because that is one of the things that has been going on a lot in my life. The people that passed into my life, the ones that went away, and the ones that stayed, tough me all that.

There’s one new thing I’ve learnt more recently, that I will put more into practice from now long, and it trusts more in myself, trust my own value, work more on my own growth and what I can also offer, without damaging my creative spirit (professionally and keep my personal too), and if that brings more good around, then the better.

Into the achievements, comes a lot of work, but it doesn’t come all at once and neither in one day nor month or a year… it comes from the progress and growth you’ve done over the years. So if anyone thinks out there ‘It feels I haven’t done that much’ or ‘my life is stuck’ it’s not. You just can’t see it from that perspective, unfortunately. It happens to everyone (me included). And again, choices, that’s an important point.

If you think in a new year, you’re going to get rid of ‘certain’ things just like magic? Nope. I’m still working on a few things that, just as I mentioned above, I’m making a priority because when I get frustrated about something that doesn’t work and is jeopardizing my peace, it’s because I’ve to take care of it (I used to say before ‘fix it’… something my therapist used to say to me ‘you don’t have anything to fix. You’re not broken’).

I’ve a message as well for some people that ‘thought to know me’, but failed the assignment. Don’t worry, I’m not here to please everyone. No, I’m not a self-aware person. Actually, I’m the most clueless and have never been aware of the impact I’ve done or can do on other’s life. One thing is wanting to do a positive impact through your work, but I’m responsible enough to put in practice the ‘Do or Don’t to others, what you would/wouldn’t for yourself’. I don’t consider myself important enough, I’m just living my life. Furthermore, I do express my opinions yes, I think communication is something people should practice more often. Yes, I do listen a lot (more regularly than many think). I don’t expect anything from others other than a minimum of respect (and of course do NOT step on my life to screw what I build for myself. Do that, and you don’t exist for me). But, I like to see from the sides when things go well around me and believe there’s still some good in the world that works. Simply. If I’ve ever carried the ‘lead’ role is because sometimes someone has to take responsibility and make things happen, you can’t really sit and expect anything ‘magically’ to happen (and that is something unconsciously I’ve been taught for a very long time now).

The only kid inside me is the creative kid I kept alive, and I apply to what I love the most to do. What has kept my sanity, my ‘youth’, my spirit, my beliefs in the most shitty and painful moments in my life, and my happiness is literally what I do and want to keep doing for a living. And I don’t care if people understand that or not. I’m not asking for permission or comprehension. We all are living in a very difficult world that gets more complicated everyday to wake upon. I think we all should be more respectful and mindful in our relationships with others. That, it’s a good point to practice.

My list of ‘resolutions’? Goes around all that I just wrote. And it’s a list that sometimes gets ‘renewed’, because, on every little thing I’ve achieved, you want to go for the next level up. As it should. Doing the best you can for yourself, everyday.

All the best for this 2022 to all. Take it easy, it’s 12 months.

N

Thanks 2021

It’s not difficult for me to write down long texts (those that know me well, they know), but I may say deep down I’m full of lack of confidence when writing in my 3rd language for the last 10 years. And why I say that? Well, this year I’ve battled a lot of self-doubt, confidence (feeling a fraud myself), and all you could ever imagine. For someone that, in the eyes of many, has done it pretty well, in a year I’ve had a rollercoaster of emotions and events that could’ve been easier to handle for my own mental health.

So 2021 it’s coming to an end… another year down. Time is a difficult term to really understand and break down, and at the same time not sound ‘utopia’ or too upgraded. But existence itself is complicated to explain and understand at the same time, so we just have to carry on and do our… best? Yeah, about that, is something at this precise moment in time I’ve to look at with a lot of irony, and grab strongly the last ‘positive’ hopes I’ve about humanity.

In this post, I can only speak for and about myself, but I will do it in the best possible way. The title is self-explanatory, and I’ve A LOT to be thankful for. I think we should be thankful every day for the fact of having a chance to live another day, despite the uncertainty and some miserable days. Nothing has to be perfect, we don’t have to feel ok everytime, but the feeling of gratitude is a feeling that saved me many times this year. I wish we could focus more on those facts and re-learn about them, than just trying to find inexplicable answers to very explanatory questions.

On a quick list of events I can recall 2021 from:

January – March: January started with some kind of scary situation when I found out I had a lump underneath my armpit. January and February I was stressed about that, the results of my scan, finishing my presentation for a project of my Masters and keeping up with the demand of work I was getting as a content producer. Those months were a mix of emotions of worry, happiness at the end (because my project and my results went ok), but my contract at work was getting to an end.

April – July: These months I focused only on finishing my masters, doing some freelance work here and there, and taking things much slower. Believe me or not, during a lockdown, many of us working from home, didn’t get a chance to mentally rest, because I felt the pressure of not only keeping a job during hard times, but surviving, learning how to keep expectations, and demonstrate I was good enough at something, without much guidance or validation.

In a normal world, you could take holidays off and go somewhere to not think about anything, but I couldn’t because I’ve my own responsibilities and sacrifices too.

So meanwhile I was finishing the masters, in one of those endless nights of research, I came across an image from NASA, that lead me to think about ‘I want to edit footage from NASA with jazz music’, which lead to find out about a competition called Cinespace, which lead me to speak with a friend about this, and we team up to create a short about AI and Space. This is something I will post exclusively about the process in a few days and will tell how this really happened (and all behind the scenes possible).

In May I had my first trip to Birmingham post-lockdown in an attempt to disconnect. Met finally some of my colleagues in person, fell on the streets of Birmingham almost damaging my knee (which lead me to a visit to the hospital and a few X rays), and then I spent June and July working back to back with USA in the short film that became ‘To Err’. That is my first sci-fi drama directed online with an awesome team of professionals and talented people, I’m eternally grateful for. They actually made a huge part of my year.

During May until late August, I went back to therapy as well. Every 2 weeks I was undergoing to a much therapeutic phone calls, where I could cry out all the things that were hurting from inside out, and could end up destroying me to a worse level (the only positive thing about this, is once you went through 2 depressions in your life, and you accept your anxiety conditions, you are able to detect, accept it and find help in time).

July -September: The day after my team and I wrapped and sent the short-film for a competition, an important member of my family, Odin, left this world, for a better adventure. I think my heart has never been felt so broken in a long time since the 15th of July. My processing of grief still going on, and it’s something I’m still learning a lot, too. I miss him, very much. I’ve had days of feeling guilty, too (because you always think, ‘Could have done anything?’). Odin was there for me one of the nights I was alone at home fighting an anxiety crisis. Those last 2 weeks before he died, until the day he was gone, things were very fragile, I should say. The morning he died, I was sat alone outside the garden’s Vet for about an hour at his side, meanwhile waiting for my family to come by, and into the silence, my sobs and inexplicable feelings, a tiny white plume flew by where his body was lying (covered in blankets). I haven’t told this to anyone until today. I choose to take that moment, as perhaps the only positive message from that sad day.

Meanwhile, I was finishing my dissertation and working for another company in content production, I was applying for jobs in an area of my field (production and distribution in the film industry) I’ve an ambition to pursue in the future. I want to become the best, to contribute, and make a better place for others, like me. August was back and forward of interviews, of waiting and getting down the last bits of a dissertation I was passionate about, but wanted to finish once and for all.

August is a month I find depressing and probably the longest and useless of all (blame a southern girl, that lived long hot summers in the middle of nowhere for years, and all you see is loads of people doing the same boring things), but this year it flew. In September, I landed the job for the company I did 3 interviews for and was waiting a reply for weeks. And I had to quickly start it, without a break.

September- December: It’s what I would call, I got a glimpse of ‘normality’ and hopes about life. Adjusting 20 months of a pandemic, to what was thrown at me, fighting some unhealthy parts of my mind that keep sabotaging my growth. I’ve been working non stop, my short film was selected for a film festival (where my journey as a filmmaker in the film industry started 6 years ago) and screened in a physical cinema, and hopefully, I will be still growing and working in 2022.

And just like that, a year goes by. In pandemic and lockdown, sort to say. Life does never stop. I’ve learnt that much before all these events, but it’s an ongoing lesson we always forget.

There’s always a struggle behind/ underneath every ‘success’ you see on the surface. For me, it’s been difficult to actually celebrate every single ‘success’ this year, because it feels unreal, and sometimes not worth it (I know this one sounds really stupid). But, believe me when I say I’ve reasons behind all those feelings, and I hope one day soon I can say ‘Ok, I can breathe now’.

Least, but not last, I want to THANKS to those I’ve shared particular and special moments of my life this year. The good and the bad ones. You’ve saved me. It’s very important for me to highlight this, because in the middle of so much going on in everyone’s life, I manage to find a connection to each of those people that have been an important part of my life this year. And without some of them, those moments wouldn’t have been the same. I hope the best of life, still await to come (because I know we all deserve it, after all).

All said, Merry Christmas and a healthy better 2022.

Love,

N

Question mark.

Life is always a question mark. Doesn’t matter how much you try to solve the puzzle, but it’s like that. My logic is always trying to be in that “neutral level”, thinking you can control things, but you can’t. You can’t control absolutely nothing in this life. But where we do have power is in our will to live, apparently. The will to always fight back to every strike you get, so you can wake up one more time. We are so dumb sometimes… losing time on trying to find answers to questions you’ve just in front of you. Every day and every time. 

Just in my last therapy session I was telling my counsellor how tired I am of pretending to be always the strongest, when I’m not. Tired of high expectations, of this continuing fight we are surrounded of becoming better (better at what? Better for what, exactly?!). I know, and I am aware I don’t care anymore about opinions, because that won’t give me anything in life, but it’s not that what I’ve been tired of. I’ve been tired of fighting alone, of listening over and over again things so full of emptiness that hurts. Basically, when I read and listen to them, they just don’t make sense anymore. When there are people that without being aware of how toxic they are, meanwhile pushing forward their own needs, expectations on others and what they want to gain from someone else, without realizing how much damage they can do if they don’t listen in return… that’s all I’m tired of. Of giving without nothing in return than more damage.Yes I know who I am and what I stand for in this life, I’m aware of all that. I’m just tired of the lack of kindness, the lack of empathy and this “half pretending” from some people, just because they are not aware of the amount of toxicity and frustration they project in others. Sometimes we are like mirrors, and definitely our actions do really affect and change things around us. My only way to try to understand things in this journey we got granted is questioning until a certain point. I don’t like to think life is about luck (I don’t believe in that, even if sometimes I said it), but there are things in life that simply connect, and I cannot really explain them anymore. Few days ago I was putting down all the why’s of how I’ve been feeling so little so less, so unworthy, so “not enough” on the things I’ve done so far. I’ve never given myself enough credit of my achievements. This is something others close to me told me more than once. And I know it’s unfair for me, I know that it’s just my brain playing the shittiest tricks… but that’s been a reality of mine. Everytime I was saying “I’ve to fix this” my councillor was saying “you saying it like if you were broken, and you’re not” . And even if I’m not literally, that’s how I’ve been feeling… I allowed certain people in my life to break my faith, and sometimes my hopes. 
I got annoyed when a few months ago I’d a few people trying to tell me off in conversations about professional careers, what I should do with mine. As if… listen, I appreciate the gesture, but I’ve been working my butt from 0 since I was 19. And I know for many people that I cross path with and think they know me out there, what I do doesn’t make much sense, or can be “not real” enough for them. I appreciate some gestures, but I never liked taking the shortcuts in life when it comes to honesty about work, life and even relationships. I could have take certain “pep talks” when I was 20, but the kind of “talks” I need now are simpler and focused on my inner peace and goals. The times of “this is not for you” are long go at this point. 
Sometimes what you see in me is the toughest shield I build through years, to give the appearance nothing can hit me. But that’s just a shield. A very good one. And the moment I’m being held, I know I will break. Can’t remember the last time I’ve been held… it’s sad, but that’s the truth. I’m more used to held others, and that is been fine for me. I’m able to do it so as long as necessary. But yes, not gonna lie, is good if someone look after you as well sometimes.
During the last few months things weren’t that bad at all, despite this internal conflict of mine, I was fighting back. I passed all my masters assignments with great grades, became a specialized in content production, a fast editor, a better director, a good researcher, a good marketing strategist for film industry and focusing on the things I liked to do. Finished just this past week a project that has been an amazing challenge. I’ve never been so proud of something the way I’ve been with this project. With an amazing team of talented people, I’m so thankful for. I wish all the teams I’ve worked with, would have been like this one. If there’s something I’m going to be grateful for this year, is for the people I worked with in this project. 
Many times in Q&A’s you hear the question of “what makes you trust in your team” and I guess that goes along with a lot of communication and people driven enough in believing what they’re doing is good. I’m not saying perfect, but good. That’s all it takes. If I could tell how this project was made, starting with 3 different time frames, people would’ve called me crazy (not going to say I’m not, but at least I wasn’t alone in this one!!). 
I also got a new job for a few months contract, until I finish my dissertation at least. The same day Odin, the greatest soul and friend someone could ask for 13 years died, I received a job offer for a position I wasn’t even 100% sure I would get… all thanks to all those fears eating me up from inside. 
And just like that, when life apparently is giving you so much, it takes also something dear to you away. Last Thursday was like going back to the 7th of June of 2012, when I lost my grandad. The feeling of “I’m just starting this journey, and he won’t be able to see what I’m gonna do”. 

I’ve been feeling for so long that “I can’t have happiness” entirely. It’s like if I’m forbidden to just smile and feel peace and being happy, because then life takes from you the other half. 

The last anxiety attack I had 3 weeks ago at night, and I was alone, Odin was there for me. Actually the last few days it’s been difficult for me, because somehow my brain decided not mention him much… it’s how I cope with it, because the last image I’ve in my brain from him is so painful, that I don’t know… for some is just a dog, but I’ve learnt that some people and also animals really get a connection without saying much. That’s more than words. And his love and loyalty meant a lot to me.

So with all this, I guess all I’ve to say is “holding back and wait” sometimes can make things worse than what we believe. We definitely not perfect, but we expect too much from others without realizing what we really want sometimes. I realized even certain things I’ve had in front of me and couldn’t see until recently. It changes the perspective, and gives more peace to your world. Sometimes the simple, the better. That saying of “life is too short  to waste time” is something we should really take into action more often. I’ve been trying as much as I can. Is how I’ve learned to be happy with what life gave me in the last few years… the moments we can create and are worth it. 

Hasta pronto. Love,
N

What is past, is gone. What matters is now.

June as per usual runs so fast, that I think I barely have time to enjoy it. Still is my favourite month of the year, followed by December. It’s been like that for years and always will be. Doesn’t matter what, that I can tell you.

This life teach you a lot of valuable lessons and I think I’m taking them all on a bag everyday goes by, with or without pandemic… even if the world ends, I will take it all. I guess.

It’s been a crazy few weeks, despite what people may wonder about “what’s going on with Nanci”, I’m telling you “A lot of it’s going on”, just in a different level (dissertation, finishing a project, doing some work here and there, trying to put my life back together…). The best part of it, I’ve this feeling it still yet to come. I guess this time my intuition again is playing a massive part, but time and the hard work will have the last call on this.

On other note, my parents headed to our home country few days ago after not being there for already 2 years (they finally got some “holidays” and I got my peace back!). The house is being closed, it’s a very old house and considering part of our past life has been in boxes for around 9 years, the wonders started to pill up in our conscience.

Honestly, this last year it was the first time I was practically “obligated” to think about everything that happened to me in the last 10 years since I left Spain behind. I left all my life in boxes packed and shipped to Portugal afterwards and they stayed there… I think the last time I saw all that was perhaps 6 years ago or something. I can’t really recall that, because my life took a speed train and I haven’t stopped. And sometimes I’ve this feeling that it was like if some stuff of my life happened yesterday, but that is literally an illusion. I don’t want to believe life in general it’s an illusion among other things, because then where’s the fun, right?

Well, today my dad was sending me pictures of some of my stuff… and well, how can I express the feeling? Some books, sadly, were lost because humidity consumed them. I used to have a massive collection of books, comics, memorabilia from films, etc. My teen and early 20’s room was literally full of shelves. I lost actually a book I liked and was about paranormal investigations in Spain (it was a superb one). Then I saw the comics underneath that pile of other books eaten by dirt, and I was, “Oh shit! Hold on, those have the plastics!!” and then I smiled (smart girl, you did well). There was a folder with my notes from that first course I took for a year about Directing and scriptwriting after quitting English language and literature at uni… all that was lost. But honestly? I didn’t care at all!!! I couldn’t care less about all that!!! It was just funny seeing it all and realizing the time that actually passed. I don’t know what else was lost from those boxes, but I guess I will find out tomorrow. I know my dad lost his vinyls collections (the one I wanted so badly to get back to play it here!!). I know many times my family have kept saying to me “Stop collecting books. Stop this, stop that”, and for as much people keep telling what to do, the less I listen. I’m a stubborn head, and honestly I’ve been TIRED to death of people telling me what to do with my life. You don’t breathe, eat, sh** or even gonna die for me (or anyone), so why tell people what they should do or not? Let them be, like it or not. But I promise not to buy more books, until I’ve again my roof under my head and my shelves to display them again.

The resume of all these thoughts and what is been going on is basically, what is past, is gone. And that is true. There’s no more plain and blunt reality than that. The reason I value so much “having a good memory”, is because the only truly thing you get from living this life and carry with you is the memory of everything you lived. So if you ask me, what scares me the most? Yes, loosing my memory. The only thing I’m proud of is that I’ve a good memory (and I hope to conserve that until I’m kicked out of this world, thanks!).

The past few months during the pandemic, despite being so painful and long, changing messages with good friends from years (my best friend from high school, best friend from my first degree at Uni, etc) it’s the best that could have happened to me during all this. We laughed, we cried, and we have been planning a get together again when I’m able to travel again (there’s nothing else I wish more than see only those few people and spend proper time with each one of them, and build more memories!!!).

I couldn’t care less about loosing material things to be honest, because unfortunately what I’ve lost in this life in the last years and people much more important to me. And what I can’t take back is the people I miss, and they’re not here anymore. Perhaps things I could have done differently… but I don’t care about that neither. Now if you ask me, there are things I will definitely do the same, because if you don’t risk it sometimes, you never know what you could win in life (that was a lesson learned too). In the process of lost, I’ve also won things back these years. So that’s a balance I guess.

I can recall a lot of the things that has been happening to me, mostly since this last January. And all comes down to things more simple than anything material. In January, I got scared about something that made me think it could lead to cancer. After some check-ups and scanners, all was good and there was nothing related. But yes, I was scared. Actually, back at that time, the day I was at the hospital and after the scanner, I had to run back home because I was doing a final pitch presentation for a project to a producer, proceeding later on working in the afternoon/evening for the agency.

On top of that, I’ve been back to therapy and counselling again, because it came to a point my anxiety was taking over my life again. And I know the process of that… it’s not new. I was battling a massive impostor syndrome, thanks to my latest job and the “amazing” gaslight directed to me (and I didn’t notice at first) that made me doubt of myself on everything. I was scared it could take an extreme level into depression, and I’m definitely not allowing it to happen to me, never ever in my entire life (or anyone close to me). In the past few months, I’ve been leaving every session in tears and tired. The last session actually the councillor said “Why are you able to do all that for others, and you can’t apply all that to you too?” You know that quote “it is easy to give advice to others, but impossible to apply it to one self”? THERE.

I know a lot of people talk about this more, but sometimes I’m not sure until what point we can be so honest about it. We all scared about “what others can think about me”, but I pass that long ago. I’ve said that out loud many times in the last few months that “I couldn’t care s*** about what people think about me, or expect”, because I’ve been changing that. I’ve been tired to death about a few things, and I know I can’t change when “I care too much” about things, but I’d to stop for a while to be there for people, facts, etc, that it’s a waste of energy and my time, and focus on what it’s really important to me. I know there are not many people around me that understand that, but again, it’s not my job. I can do many things, but I don’t perform miracles. I’m not perfect, and I don’t want to be. And I don’t need neither pity, nor a pedestal. I don’t need/want any of that.

So honestly? All I want is to be happy. That is simpler than it looks like in the bigger picture. And when it comes to that word, happiness gets to very simple things in my life. There was a person that knew me very well and the only one to ask me “Are you happy?” in all these years. And that was my grandad. He cared and held me, when I most needed. People stopped giving value to attitudes and actions… unfortunately.

So my only advice, goes on that title. The past is always gone. The present is what matters the most, and we definitely need to learn this bloody lesson and accept it. The present matters and it’s what connects with anything that come in your way. People should stop giving unwanted opinions/advices, really get the “be kind and respectful to others” into practice, and just live life. Fight for what’s right and you deserve. That is something I do every day and I will keep doing. At some point, we all have to win something back, right? I still believe in divine justice, at least…

And in that note, is all I’ve to say for now.

Stay safe everyone, take care of yourselves and loved ones.

Much love and peace,

N

Your opinions and life advice, never did and will never feed me.

It’s been taking me a few days to reflect about certain things lately in a social way, but I’m coming up with a very good self-explanatory thoughts from experience about I’ve been observing in my life, that comes mostly from people “around” me (and not so around) that it took my time to identify why it makes me feel so down a sad (and mostly uncomfortable about myself).
I’m glad a lot of the new generation some criticized as “soft” or whatever you want to call it, are setting the proper boundaries and bring to table some honesty about things past generations normalized in such a bad educational way, that now if we hear “this is not ok anymore” some feel attacked (who’s the soft now? I think mostly the boomers and some early millennials’ generation).

Some of those young people (the ones standing for what is right) they are having the balls my generation didn’t. Yes, that’s truth because we were supposed to be the ones doing that change, but all I see from those in their middle to late 30s is just misogynistic and more crappy behaviours masked with a certain attitude of “but I’m with you”. You are not. People giving “life advice” thinking they have any right when “you are not a bloody councillor” even for your problems, but you think you can do for others without even self reflect “I should take a step back”, there! That’s the red flag you should put on some people, from friends to family or whatever the heck they are to you. 

I had to sit down many times this week and reflect about certain attitudes I’ve experienced from some well known people and completely random ones (these are the ones that like to say “the world is not there for me, because no one ever gave me an opportunity”, but let’s be honest you haven’t sacrificed enough to really make the world give you those opportunities) that just takes your nerves away. Now you’re telling me, why we have to put up with it? Right, in reality we don’t have to, but sometimes there’s no many options. In this pandemic era, a 2nd crisis facing for some like me, it’s like “we are tired mentally and spiritually” from idiots. And funny enough this is the same though at least 2 people I spoke with recently we shared separate in different conversations. 

Now as a human being and as a woman, I’m fed up with dramas, of people assuming facts of my life they don’t know shit about and on top of all that (hold my beer) having the balls to giving me life or career advices… because of course at my 36 years old, I’m not “old or stable enough” for  “norm-al” of this fucked up society, right? For some men out there (and women as well, because ignorance and misogyny goes in both ways around) “I know where I’m standing in my life”, I know what I want and where I’ve to go. I’ve set goals (high or not), they don’t include people stepping on my foot in life. Simple as it is. Selfish or not, I think we have a wrongful idea of support when it comes to relationships (friendship, family bonds, love interest bonds, you name it!!). I think emotional, physical space and mutual respect are very important. Apparently not many in this so-called “humanity” have learned about it. When I was a teenager I used to write down a lot of my thoughts and feelings, as I felt a lot of emptiness around my surroundings growing up. School was a free playground for bullying, any other social way I felt people were too much conflicted for no reason, and my safe space were books, writing, cinema and music. Sanity was alive in those places for me, and is the same sanity that has kept me alive in this world.

I’m proud to put down and say all this now, because not many talks openly about it. About mental health, about anxiety being a triggering bitch in some moments, about depression being an anvil leading you to the next stage that can be suicidal thoughts. All that is a full package that we are all responsible also for, because unfortunately same as a virus, our attitudes, our behaviours are the ones contributing for it. That’s why is so important creating healthy boundaries and know How, When and Where to stand for someone or stay away. I recognized a few times along the years as well, how even some of my behaviours weren’t the most positive, the best or appropriate for someone. I’ve assumed so many times my responsibility towards that, and because of self reflexion, wanting always to change for the better, because one of my main values are “don’t wish or do to others, what you don’t want for yourself”, I try my very best for me and for others. Not for approval, but for the sake of what’s right and healthy to do in this world. Is my intuition and empathy on auto mood, if you want to call it. Yes I do care too much, it’s not a sin being a person who cares, but also doesn’t make me a fool, an idiot or someone with “too many dreams in her head” (I don’t know how many times I’ve heard that… even from a person I once loved very much and hurt me the most. For me to say this, you can tell I don’t love easily and in vain). But the same way I say “I do love” and I mean it, I can also say “I don’t care, and it doesn’t take my sleep” to other people’s opinions. Because if at this point of my life I cared about “opinions” and “judgments”, I would’ve been rich then… I would’ve start asking for a penny for each one of those (would’ve had a massive pot of pennies tips so far). 

There’s a separation quite big between my world, and everyone’s “normal” world. I was very innocent in that until very lately, which I understood that “I choose a path everyone will look down on you if you don’t succeed, or they will praise you if you do” (and still shit on you sometimes too, because that’s how miserable we are as human beings sometimes). I’m just tired of explaining myself to those that “worry so much about my life” that I know exactly what I’m doing and where I’m standing in life.

So as a future reminder, for when you will see me somewhere else being myself and living my life as I should “Thank you, for all your useless and emotionless help. Y’all can keep and eat it on a big plate.” Some of you need to learn something like “Don’t give advice when not asked or needed”, because believe me it’s something I don’t step at all, unless I’ve been asked for. I’m here to elevate others, not to put them down. The world is an enough shithole already to make it bigger.


Definitely this pandemic, has been what we say in Spanish “un punto y aparte” for many pointless facts. And about time honesty, in its most “non-rude” way, becomes a “trend”. I hope it stays longer enough in this world to give some “common sense” to the rest. 💙

The Lost Year…? Wins and Losses in the 20-20’s

From my set of 35 mm photos during quarantine

Takes time and inspiration to sit down and write about things you want to talk about, and mostly if you want to talk about them wide open for everyone to read.

So I guess everyone have been in this rollercoaster named Covid-19 that started at the end of 2019 in Wuhan (it could have been anywhere else) and it caught the rest of the world practically in baby pants at the beginning of 2020 (putting from a nice perspective).

I’ve a massive lapse from these 2 years from the events happened in the end of 2019 and what happened during 2020 which was basically a storm of health, social and economic events that we will carry on for generations coming now (I’m being honest here, not painting things nicely at all).

Through all that from graduation in 2019 (and working here and there), my last 2 trips between NY (dec 2019) and Rotterdam at the beginning of 2020, then my accident rolling down the stairs of my house and damaging my ankle, to get hired by a digital media as a content editor producer for a year and in the meantime starting my masters full time in Film Distribution and Marketing, that’s pretty much how my 2020 was going through.

My 2021 was about to recover my sanity and peace of mind mostly, which is something a lot also did struggle in their own world. Mine it has been about balance work, my own time for myself, personal/family issues and also how certain behaviours from others (doesn’t matter if they are close to you or not) can affect you massively. I also did battle a huge imposter syndrome that I never thought I could develop, and this made me really think about how everyone (including ourselves) project so many of our insecurities into others, how you can identify gaslighting as well (things and terminologies I had to find out thanks to therapy) into our work and sometimes sabotage our progress in the most annoying way. I’ve had to cut ties with people, I’ve had to re-think and ask myself about facts that are worth it or not, and mostly gain enough inner strength to give value to my own work as a creative and a filmmaker.

I cannot even believe we are now heading to the middle of the year of 2021!! It’s crazy.

During 2020 meanwhile I was working from home things were going well and felt very grateful to be able to do it, but at the same time felt the pressure of keeping the job at all costs and say yes to everything that was thrown to my own way. Basically I wasn’t questioning the other side of the job, the pressure and lack of support I was feeling towards the end of the year. Meanwhile, I was feeling empty at work as a creative, I was gaining new skills and using them properly into other projects at my master’s degree. I came from a point of not feeling good enough at anything, to get the strength and believing in what I was doing in every project I pitched was DOING WELL!! Actually just a week ago I finished my last practical assignment (perhaps the most complicated one because of the story/script and how it was presented to us), and now here I am working on my dissertation, finishing a few creative and personal projects, and applying for my next job adventure (hopefully a place that can allow me to grow as a professional, become better within myself and for an industry I’m so passionate about).

After this overall “resume” about how things have been going in my life, let me talk about some stuff I’ve done recently.

I went back to producing and directing projects. I directed and edited 2 video clips during the lockdowns (in December 2020 and in March-April 2021). You can find them in the following links:

With all going on I’ve been doing few more collabs with few charities and social projects that made me stand for what I do believe mostly. And I’m still working now in few more upcoming projects, one of them is a competition for NASA. My passion for sci-fi and mostly recently editing videos and content, made me think of one of those late nights doing research for my last presentation for a distribution company, “I would love to do a project with footage about space and include jazz music in it”. That was my first thought. Now I’m in the process of pre-production with some friends in the USA to create this exciting project. If there’s one thing this pandemic tough me, is we have to adapt our concepts in the creative world (mostly media and film) and explore all the tolls’ technology is giving to us to make our life easier in these aspects. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard in the past year from different people “Imagine going through this pandemic without all the things we have nowadays?”. So there’s one thing to be grateful in the middle of the mess and chaos of these past 2 years.

Hopefully in the months ahead after I finish my dissertation and this last project (among my collab with some few film festivals as a programmer/jury selection films), I can get back to finish another project I wrote and planned for a long time, but had to stop all the production due to Covid-19 restrictions.

During the past year a lot of social events did happen and keeps going on. Most of them unfortunate and hitting a part of the society that has been mistreated with inequality and lack of equity not only by corporations but the system itself. I come from a generation that we were promised a lot (as an early millennial), and somehow I feel it was a total fail socially speaking. I think we are in a middle point at the moment where those in their 30s onwards need to join forces with those in their 20s, and young generations to really get a more fair society in the upcoming future ahead of us. This is something I deeply care about, and it goes a lot with my main life principles.

In the most recent news of my life, I recently started to take my own steps out of this eternal quarantine we’ve been up to in the UK since Dec 2020 until very recently. Since September 2020, I was supposed to move physically to Birmingham to start my masters in Film Distribution and Marketing, but for the whole year I’ve been taking most of the classes online. So I’ve started to take some time off to first go down to London the past weekend to see a dear friend of mine and celebrate Pre-Eurovision in a very Finish way. I miss a lot the city, which I will always consider my 2nd home after the best 5 years. When all this crazy life of mine as a creative and artist started in the film and theatre industry. I always say “there’s the city I’ve born physically as a human being (Lisbon), and the city where I was born as an artist (London)”.

This past Tuesday I went off to Birmingham for the first time properly!! To meet a few colleagues of the Masters and to see The Van Gogh Immersive Experience with one of my colleagues from the master’s too. I super recommend to those that are living in London or are able to see it there, to take the opportunity to see and enjoy the experience, because it’s beautifully made. I think many people will be able to understand much more about the artist life (not only his art) and soul through this exposition. What you will hear the most around is probably “How a human being with so much light and positivity inside him, ended up his last days in the way he did… also how his most beautiful work was done inside an asylum”.

Here is an example of the experience on a reel I created on my Instagram account:

Click in the image to see the REEL on my IG account

The things I’ve been missing the most from all this situation is being able to get back to cinemas, watching plays in theatres and visit galleries and new places. That was a huge important part of my daily life, and not being able to do any of it, made me realize how lucky I’ve been for doing all that in the past few years. Sadly my trip to Birmingham ended up a bit chaotic with me tripping in the middle of the street on an unstable pavement, and a bad landing that damaged the knee of my left leg (the same one I damaged my ankle last year). Fortunately nothing is broken, and it’s just a bit of recovery for a few days until I get back to fully walk in the world.

Last but not least, I’m starting my own podcast in a few days. What I’m going to talk about? I’m going to talk about the things I’ve been watching (films and series), books, but also about social topics from the most chilled and neutral point of view. Also considering bringing to the podcast some collabs and talks with other friends from different fields. It’s very possible I will bring some good topics about digital distribution, how to sell/pitch your films; mostly from the point of view of how you must trust your own product and how to structure it correctly.

Said all, I will come back soon enough to bring you my first podcast where I will talk about “What to watch” with or without quarantines, among a few other interesting topics. So, stay tune!

Take good care everyone out there, be good within yourself, to others out there too (we all deserve love, respect and kindness).

Love,

N